Indiana Jones and the Temple of Whaaaaa...?

Okay, so Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is out, and this is my review.

Damn You, Lucas! Can you not write something that doesn't have aliens in it? Seriously.

Well Done, Lucas. That said, it was cleverly done. The two best of the original 3 films (one and three) had him fighting Nazis in the 1930s/1940s. Hitler, and thus Nazism, did have a pre-occupation with the mystic, employing (sometimes Jewish) fortune tellers, etc. to come up with best dates to launch certain operations, etc. Thus, the film-Nazi determination to obtain objects of great mystical power such as the Ark of the Covenant and the Grail.

Continuing in that historical vein, "Crystal Skull," moves us forward a decade to 1957. In 1945, science, in the form of atomic bombs, proved supreme over mysticism. After that, science fiction movies became more prominent. Oftentimes, the "aliens" were metaphors for the Reds. Communism was defined as a scientific system. More emphasis was placed on math and sciences in schools. In just a few years past "Skull," the president would be calling for sending a manned mission to the Moon by the end of the decade. Sputnik scared the free world, and the arms race began.

This new importance on science, however, didn't leave all woo-woo behind. The woo-woo adapted. The false belief that most humans only used 10% of their brains allowed for the possibility of others who used more - people who could move objects with their minds, turn on electrical appliances through will power, project their thoughts into others, etc. Stalin believed in this (even kept on staff a "healer" named Juno). Recently (relatively) released films from the time showed Soviet citizens who supposedly could do the things mentioned. The Americans heard about this, and the importance in making sure we were safe from any kind of Communist attack led to worries about a "psi-gap," and our own program was instituted, (continuing up to the 1990s when Clinton finally canceled it but brought back under George W).

Having the Soviets' purpose be obtaining the lead in psi-warfare was both clever and historically accurate.

So kudos on that, Mr. Lucas. Still, damn you making it aliens be the ones who could ultimately give them (or us) that edge.

Damn you, Spielberg! I guess you felt you needed to try again after failing so spectacularly with Indiana Jones 2 and the Temple of Doom, in turning Indiana into a father figure - something that you have to freakin' have happen to your characters in just about every one of your damn films. At least this time, it wasn't an annoying Asian kid (YOU CALL HIM, DR. JONES, LADY!)

Well done, Spielberg. Shia LeBeouf (can you imagine how much of his life will be wasted spelling his name for people) put in a solid performance. Still, it's not like 95% of the movie's potential audience didn't see that one coming from a mile off (the other 5% are under ten-years-old and not as likely to care to make connections between the established character and a newly-introduced one).

Harrison Ford: Great job as Indiana as always. 'Nuff said.

Other Things: There is in woo-woo land, a - I hesitate to use the word - "school of thought" that the wonders of pre-Colombian meso-America could not be built by the people who built them. The same beliefs are also applied to places like Egypt as well as Stonehenge, but I've found that there is a racist overtone when it comes to the tribes of the new world.

One example not from the movie but bearing mention is the lid of the tomb of Pacal the Great from the Mayan city, Palenque.

A 1968 book, "Chariots of the Gods," by Swiss moron Erich von Daniken, argued that it depicted not Pacal but an extra-terrestrial astronaut basing his rationale on the similarity between the pose of the astronaut/Pacal to those of early 1960s astronauts in their rocket capsules. The lighter parts of the drawing above, to the sides, and below Astro-Pacal, were taken to be the Maya's crude depiction of the rocketship with flame/exhaust coming from it. Turning your head to look at it sideways, Daniken argued that his hands were on controls, that he was sitting on a complicated chair, and that his foot was even operating some sort of complicated pedal.

Note the shape of the head being similar to those of the skulls in the movie.

The one interesting structure mentioned in the film were those of the Nazca lines. These are "geoglyphs" (drawings in the face of the Earth) in Peru. There are hundreds of them, but the most interesting ones are the more complicated and larger ones which can best be seen for what they are from the air (although nearby foothills offer a good view as well) - monkeys, spiders, lizards, etc. They were created by the Nazca indians between 200 BC and 700 AD, and they are another thing that people like Daniken point to to "prove" that ancient meso-American tribes could not have created such things without extra-terrestrial help, as some lines go on incredibly straight for hundreds of feet, and some figures are very complex. Joe Nickel, a researcher in the same vein as James Randi, and a small group of people were able to reproduce one of the drawings using the simplest tools and good planning - with no aerial assistance, terran or extra-terrestrial needed.

Combining the Nazca lines as a method to find the city where the skull is supposed to be returned along with using the Mayan language as a method of communication and putting the Aztec Sunstone down as the floor of the aliens chamber nicely combined three distinct meso-American cultures into one culture, embraced by aliens, who broke off into the 3 main separate "big-name" tribes later on in history if we make the Nazca and Inca cultures the same (which the movie essentially did).