Sniff Sniff - Smells Like Schadenfreude

More Sex Fun with Republicans

This time it’s not a married republican hiring a hooker to put him in diapers while 12-year-old boys are forced to watch with the whole thing taking place in a port-a-potty on the tarmac of a major city's airport.

No, our subject concerns one Gabriel Nathan Schwartz, a (single) delegate to the Republican National Convention. Mr. Schwartz was quite a camera hog and wise-guy at the convention, getting multiple interviews where he stated such inane things like McCain having, “more experience in his little pinkie” than Barack Obama (which is true, but the number of times his experience has been right fits into McCain’s other pinkie) and saying we should, “bomb the hell,” out of Iran then “plant a flag. Take the oil; take the money,” because, “We deserve reimbursement.”

Here’s a picture of Mister Schwartz: http://static.crooksandliars.com/2008/09/gabriel-schwartz.thumbnail.jpg

Far be it for me to come down on anyone else’s looks, but I think the combination of his brain power and this picture explains the situation he found himself in. After his “bomb Iran” interview, it seems he actually picked up someone at his swanky hotel bar, inviting her back to his room. Upon arrival, the woman fixed some drinks and told Gabriel to get undressed, and then… that’s the last thing he remembers before coming to and finding $50,000 of money, jewelry, and other belongings stolen from him – an amount that stunned Minneapolis police.

Aside: Seriously, what do you need $50,000 worth of various assets for when you’re only in town for four days? And this is four days in Minneapolis/St. Paul. The main thing to do there outside of the convention is go to a live taping of, “A Prairie Home Companion,” and the most expensive tickets cost under $50, and you’re not going to go anyway because Garrison Keillor is a liberal.

Republicans, please… I’m begging you for your own sake… Look, we’ve gotten a good laugh over the years of your trying to portray yourselves as the morals party, but let’s face it: you’re as depraved and/or sex-starved as you falsely make liberals out to be. The red states’ sex-before-marriage rates, pre-marital shacking up rates, births out of wedlock rates, divorce rates, etc. are all higher than blue states. Dirty movie viewership at hotels skyrockets when there’s a religious convention going on. Plus, you’re apparently lousy parents by your own definition (since you refuse to believe it’s genetic) because so many of you have kids that turn out gay.

Apparently, God/the universe/Karma/luck is punishing you for being sexually hypocritical douchebags. It’s okay. We all fall into some sort of douchebaggery every now and then, but eventually that fall stops, and we throw off our douchebag shackles. I don’t see that happening any time soon with republicans.

My advice: Take a few years off. Let the adults (democrats) straighten out the mess you’ve made of the United States and the world, and you do whatever is necessary for your party to become as moral as the democrats. If that means studying what it is the blue states are doing right, do it. If you think it means cutting back on your dreams to return America to some mythical Ozzie-and-Harriet-Leave-It-to-Beaver 1950s era, do so except for yourself. Watching your convention, you’re halfway there as it’s apparent that both you and 1950s television had the same amount of minorities hanging around.

You can do this – you’ve just got to believe in yourself and maybe subject yourself to negative feedback treatments (shock therapy, etc).

Dare to dream!