Well, poop.
Mike, whose business I won't mention, but you know he sells novelty stuff, asked me to come out to some “Celebrating Freedom” thing (cuz it being less than a month away from July 4th is too long, damn it) that was held on the campus of Oral Roberts University (wheee) today. It was some sort of music fest, and various people had tables and tents set up, including Mike. I twisted balloons for tips, but the payoff was supposed to come off later when I got to have sex with Richard Robert’s wife. Just testing to see if you’re still paying attention. Actually, there were the outside performances, and then when the sun went down, the venue was going to change to the nearby Mabee Center, the large building on the corner of the campus used for Harlem Globetrotter visits, Dora the Explorer real-life adventure shows, etc. At that point, I would be in position to start shilling not-so-cheap light up trinkets for the concert and getting a percentage of what I sold. Mike said last year people working for him had made quite a bit of money. I figured, why not. I like Mike, and I like quite a bit of money for little work. So, tamping down my natural repulsion from having to step on the ORU campus without taking a friend through the life-size, 6-room diorama of Oral Robert’s life (like Doug), I trotted off.
Oh, good. Mike’s tent is really close to the stage. So for a couple of hours it was, “I wrote this song when my best friend found Jesus (real quote).” Play song. “I wrote this song when I was in Chicago alone on St. Valentine’s Day, and I really needed God that night (real quote).” Play song. “I wrote this song after I did some cocaine lines off of a hooker’s chest when the cops raided the illegal brothel she worked at, and I got away. I figured *someone* was looking out for me (not a real quote).” Play song.
Eventually the cast from Discoveryland in Tulsa-suburb, Sapulpa, took the stage and did the state song (turns out Oklahoma is only 100 years old – pussies) and then launched into, “Proud to Be an American.” At which point, my belief in God was re-affirmed by the killer lightning and huge gusts of wind that were whipped up, ending the song early. The attendees were told to head for the Mabee Center for safety and to chill out while waiting for the concert to start. Mike and his wife gave me various light-up trinkets, and I took off and beat most of the crowd there and started hawking stuff while they took to tearing their tent down and packing up their inventory (Whatever you do, save the containers of Farting Slime! I will find you!).
Sidenote: Jacinta, next time you visit, we need to go to Discoveryland just so I can say I’ve seen Oklahoma: The Musical. It should be sufficiently fun in a cheesy sort of way, and as part of our admission, we’ll get dinner! http://www.discoverylandusa.com/images/dinner.jpg
Then later, we’ll get intestinal cramping!
I stood about 200 feet in front of the Mabee Center and hawked the goods. My sales pitch was something along the lines of, “Get your glowing, sparkly revolving things here. Guaranteed to give the singers motion sickness if enough people buy and use them. Also good for warding off lightning strikes.”
Sidenote: I threw in that bit about the lightning because I was on ORU, and Oral Roberts really got his start in the 1950s as a snake oil salesman and a faith healer (film from various of his tent revivals show him healing the same woman over and over again… in different cities). It amused me.
I sold quite a bit considering people were running for their lives. When the sprinkles came, I moved to the sidewalk right outside the Mabee Center and so was underneath all the various outcroppings of said building when the storm REALLY hit. Over the next 30 minutes, anyone who came into the Mabee Center was absolutely soaked… and then frozen when they entered and got hit by the very efficient air conditioning.
Mike and his wife eventually called me to try and find me, and they drove over, and both were soaked. I think Mike was a little peeved that I was completely dry and having fun. I gave him the unsold inventory, got my cut (pizza time – whoo hoo), and entered the Mabee Center to twist balloons while waiting for the storm to die down enough to run to my car without getting water-logged.
