Merry Christmas, You Douche

For the last 5 years or so, the so-called War on Christmas has been waged thanks to so-called, "Culture Warriors," egged on by head douches like Bill O'Reilly. The essential "problem" is that some stores tell their workers to wish people, "Happy Holidays," "Seasons Greetings," "Have a Cool Yule," or "Do You Want Fries with That?" Maybe not those last two, but the douchebaggery of getting upset with stores has been extended by certain individuals (read: uber-douches) who get upset with other non-store-affiliated individuals, who don't utter the magic phrase, "Merry Christmas," during December but other near-pornographic things like, "Happy Holidays."

Aside: In my mind right now, I can picture a story in an old, "Dennis the Menace," comic digest I read when I was a kid. It's a street scene of happy people around Christmas time, carrying Christmas trees, packages, etc., and the air is filled with shouts of not only, "Merry Christmas," but the aforementioned Satan-inspired, nation-destroying phrases of, "Seasons Greetings," and "Happy Holidays." If Hank Ketcham (creator of Dennis) were alive and published that book today, Bill O'Reilly would attack him and encourage his audience to boycott Dennis products, call their papers to drop the strip, etc., and they would do it... because they're douches.

Of course, not everyone who says, "Merry Christmas," is a douche so here's a handy guide to help you know if you are:

1. If you visualize Jesus putting a gold star next to your name in a book every time you say, "Merry Christmas," because you're a culture warrior fighting for Him, you're a douche.
2. If you say, "Merry Christmas," and HOPE to get back, "Happy Holidays," so you can unleash your anger at the poor schlub you think is secularizing the season, you're a douche. If you do this to a store employee making minimum wage, you're also an asshole.
   
3. If you make comments like, "Saying Merry Christmas is controversial," you're a douche.
4. If you're unable to conceive that there are other religions followed in this country who also have celebrations during December, and it would be nice to acknowledge them, chances are you're a racist douche.

Basically, what you douches are doing is worse than what the imagined, underground movement to take away Christmas is doing: You're taking the joy out of the season. You've taken the phrase, "Merry Christmas," which was not in danger of dying out, and instead of a "season's greeting," and a genuine heartfelt wish for joy you've turned it into a challenge, a dare, a chip on the collective shoulder of douches nationwide, and by doing so, you do the same thing to all the other greetings. Phrases that should be genuine wishes of happiness - and thus, the time of year they're said - are now being ruined faster by you douches than a Best Buy telling their employees to say, "Happy Holidays," to shoppers.

Good job... douche.