I Pissed Off the Fred Phelps Clan

I have to keep repeating this story so often, I thought I might as well blog it.

I'm from Kansas (now in Tulsa, Oklahoma) and as many other Kansans have, have run into Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka. This is the "God Hates Fags" guy. He and his church picket funerals of homosexuals and fallen servicemen (claiming God is punishing us for not hating homosexuals as much his bunch does by killing military men and women) and basically doing outrageous things.

I've run into them at my brother's law school graduation at the University of Kansas. See, Fred used to be a lawyer (degree from KU), but he got disbarred, and anyone who does anything against him is working for the homosexual agenda, and he somehow blames KU for that now. Alas, I was with my mom, and we were running late, so I wasn't able to play with them.

Another time, I ran into his grandson on a politics chat channel. Apparently he had been holding the channel hostage and doing nothing but talking about homosexuals to everyone's annoyance, and there were no ops to kick him off. When I joined, a few people who knew me private messaged me and asked if I could annoy him into leaving. Ah, my reputation precedes me. Our conversation went like this (Me is... me, duh. GS is grandson).

Me: So you believe that God hates homosexuals.
GS: God hates fags; it's right there in the Bible.
Me: Do you believe that AIDS is God's scourge on those he hates - such as homosexuals?
GS: Yes, and we praise him for sending it to punish those filthy fags.
Me: Did you know that lesbians have one of the lowest infection rates of any demographic group?
(He doesn't respond)
Me: It would seem like by your "logic," if God is punishing those that He hates by sending AIDS then He must really love lesbians since they're not getting infected.
(Still no response)
Me: You know this might be the proof we need to say God really is a man as just about every guy I know really loves lesbians.
GS: YOU'RE GOING TO BURN IN HELL! YOU'RE ALL GOING TO BURN IN HELL!
GS has left channel #politics.

Needless to say I was the hero of the chatroom. Oh, quite the honor indeedy.

The last time I dealt with them was in 1998 when they came to Tulsa to protest a gay pride picnic that was being held in a park downtown (as well as picket Oral Roberts University because the president of the university, Richard Roberts - Oral's son, is divorced and remarried).

I knew what I had to do. The worst thing you can do to people like this is take attention away from them, and one thing I'm good at is making a spectacle of myself. So I drove down to where everything was happening. I parked across from the roped-off corner of the park the Phelps clan was situated in and brought out my two signs: God Is Love and Fred Phelps Is a Wanker. I set them up on the sidewalk.

Now apparently, I supposedly look like an imposing individual because I lift weights. I honestly don't know how I'd do in an actual fight - only been in two in my life; both when I was less than 10-years-old - won one; lost one. But I apparently have put the scare into several people including many of my nieces' boyfriends, an ex-girlfriend's ex-husband, etc. I honestly don't feel like a big, scary guy, but hey, if others do, I'll take advantage of it.

I say that because one of the Phelps clan gave me the stink-eye because of my signs, and he started to move to the curb to cross the street but then turned around and went and talked to another guy. He and his pal then moved to and stood on the curb and waited for traffic to slow.

By then though, I had taken out... my juggling torches. I held all three of them in my left hand and while looking across the street at the two guys who wanted to come "talk" to me, I lit them with the lighter in my right. Their eyes got bigger. I started juggling and gave them one of my "weirder" smiles. They stepped away from the curb and went and picked up their offensive signs.

I juggled for a while, got some cars to honk at me, and give me the thumbs-up. Eventually I put out the torches because a college student had crossed the street to talk to me (after having talked to the Phelps) and wanted to hear my views. I gave him kudos for being intellectually curious although he said he leaned more towards the Phelps view that homosexuality is an abomination. I went into a spiel about the other abominations in the Bible - wearing clothes made of two different materials, eating shellfish, planting two different types of crops in the same field, etc., gave a brief history of the Bible, and all its various forms. At that point, a local "evangelist" had come and stood nearby, and we got to arguing about what I was saying, but he wasn't able to keep up with all my points. I say evangelist - he was a guy in his 60s, missing several teeth, with wild hair and was driving a truck with a large camper on it covered in Bible verses.

Anyway, the kid thanked me and said he was going to research what I said. I called him an abomination for wearing a polyblend shirt; we laughed, and he left. The Phelps people got bored because there were no television cameras around, and the people attending the picnic were too far away from them to hear anything they shouted so they left. I went into the picnic and looked for a guy that the college student said he had seen juggling clubs to introduce myself but couldn't find him. Hung out for a bit; hit on some lesbians (just kidding) then went home.

Epilogue: About a year later I met that juggler when we both were in the musical, "Barnum." Well, he was really in it. I came in late, but when they discovered I could juggle and ride a unicycle, they put me in during the big circus scenes, and I ran juggling boot camp for the other cast members. I lost track of him after that until he hit on a heterosexual friend of mine that everyone things is gay, and they became friends because my friend is cool about stuff like that.