Another Story from Days Past - My Boss Was an Asshole

This happened at a programming job I had several years ago. The boss' name was Lyle. Let me tell you about Lyle...

Lyle was the supervisor over two groups of programmers - one of which my friend, Brian, and I were in. Lyle was a big guy and hyper-competitive. During pick-up games of basketball during lunch, he had no problem "accidentally" elbowing you in the face to get the ball. He also had quite a temper which he used to keep other managers in line. At one point, it seemed that the only people not afraid of him were myself, Brian, and another programmer named, Jerry, who regularly stood up to him regarding impossible deadlines. Brian and I preferred to mock him... openly... to his face.

I will now divert from my original story to this one.

The company I worked for decided to try out the FISH program. The FISH program was created by a fish monger place in Seattle, and it has four tenets that one should do at work, and they're so obvious that only management would consider them ground-breaking enough to spend loads of money on the videos and other things to teach them to employees. The tenets are: Choose your attitude, have fun at work, be there for your co-workers and clients, and make their day (do something nice for your co-workers). The main reason my company did FISH was they would rather spend money on the aforementioned videos and buying various fish things like toy fishes, squeaky-toys in the shape of whales (I pointed out that whales are mammals), fishy decorations, etc. than give employees proper recognition in the form of raises and promotions.

Lyle had gone to our district head office and watched the tapes before us, and when he came back, he walked around the office with a single shot Nerf dart gun, shooting people over and over again, annoying the hell out of them. This was Lyle's version of have fun - take advantage of a program that hasn't officially started yet to pick on employees. Brian and I called him down our aisle and had this conversation.

Me: So, Lyle, what's with the Nerf gun?
Lyle: It's part of a new program we'll be doing here. I watched some videos of the program that shows how to have fun at work.
Me: So... you need a video to show you how to have fun?
Lyle: (starts to say something but is interrupted)
Me: That's kind of pathetic.
Brian: I don't know. I think it's brave of him to admit that.
Lyle: (starts to say something but is interrupted)
Me: No, it's pathetic, Brian. I think it's probably a sign of a bigger problem.
Brian: You might be right.
Me: (starts to say something, but by this time, Lyle has yelled something at us and stomped off).

Brian and I then went out to lunch and stopped by Toys R Us, where I purchased the largest Nerf gun they had - a three chambered, 21 ball, rapid-fire behemoth that took 4 D batteries to run and sounded like a Harley when you pushed the button to get the motor running.

Back to the story. This actually happened after we had done FISH for a while. Lyle decided that his two groups should go out for pizza and then go to the local Laser Tag establishment and play a couple of games in their tri-level maze. We got there, and the teams were divided up into our two programming teams, and Lyle played on the other team. At Laser Tag places, you are given a vest and a gun, both of which have several targets on them for people to shoot at while you're shooting at other people's targets. When you're hit, the gun vibrates, and you are temporarily unable to be hit again for five seconds. This allows you to get away from whomever just shot you. The system keeps track of who shot whom, who hit the most people, etc. and you get a piece of paper with that information and your rank in the game at the end.

My team won the first game. Of course, this could not stand with hyper-competitive Lyle, who immediately started demanding we make a bet on the second game and calling us chicken when we said we just wanted to play. I asked loudly enough for everyone to hear, "I'm confused... I thought normally the winners do the smack talk." Finally, it was decided - solely by Lyle - that the losing team would sing the, "I'm a Little Teapot," song.

We enter for the second game, and immediately, something is wrong. I'm getting hit over and over again in shoot-outs to the point where my gun was deactivated more than it was active. I even asked a member of the opposite team to let me shoot his chest target as a test, and when I did, nothing happened.

After the game, we saw Lyle's team had blown us away by about 1000 points, and he was having a good time talking smack and demanding the song. He was waiting for me to join the group before the singing commenced, but I was busy talking with the kid who was running the game. I asked him if it were possible to turn off one team's targets and if our boss had requested that. The answer was yes to both. I joined the group, looked at Lyle who was demanding his song, and told everyone what I had found out. Everyone from both teams just gave him a dirty look, and we filed out the door to go back to the office.

A few weeks later, Brian and I were in a meeting with Lyle. He was meeting one-on-one (or in our case, two-on-one) to discuss any problems we had with our direct manager or the company in general, and Brian and I replied that we didn't care for it when managers cheat at games. Lyle's face reddened (not out of embarassment), and he tried to explain that the reason that he had done that was because his team had all, "the older Asian women on it who hid in a corner and giggled and shot at people if they walked by," and he didn't want that team to feel bad for losing twice.

Brian and I didn't let him get away with that, telling him that none of us were talking smack or trying to make the other team look bad. Everyone else was mature enough to realize it was just a couple of friendly games of Laser Tag, and ultimately, we didn't care who won, and it was him that had the problem with losing. The meeting quickly ended after that.

A few months later, Brian had his best golf game after I paged him from work (he had taken a day off) to let him know that Lyle had finally been fired because he was such a giant asshole.

Sniff Sniff - Smells Like Schadenfreude

More Sex Fun with Republicans

This time it’s not a married republican hiring a hooker to put him in diapers while 12-year-old boys are forced to watch with the whole thing taking place in a port-a-potty on the tarmac of a major city's airport.

No, our subject concerns one Gabriel Nathan Schwartz, a (single) delegate to the Republican National Convention. Mr. Schwartz was quite a camera hog and wise-guy at the convention, getting multiple interviews where he stated such inane things like McCain having, “more experience in his little pinkie” than Barack Obama (which is true, but the number of times his experience has been right fits into McCain’s other pinkie) and saying we should, “bomb the hell,” out of Iran then “plant a flag. Take the oil; take the money,” because, “We deserve reimbursement.”

Here’s a picture of Mister Schwartz: http://static.crooksandliars.com/2008/09/gabriel-schwartz.thumbnail.jpg

Far be it for me to come down on anyone else’s looks, but I think the combination of his brain power and this picture explains the situation he found himself in. After his “bomb Iran” interview, it seems he actually picked up someone at his swanky hotel bar, inviting her back to his room. Upon arrival, the woman fixed some drinks and told Gabriel to get undressed, and then… that’s the last thing he remembers before coming to and finding $50,000 of money, jewelry, and other belongings stolen from him – an amount that stunned Minneapolis police.

Aside: Seriously, what do you need $50,000 worth of various assets for when you’re only in town for four days? And this is four days in Minneapolis/St. Paul. The main thing to do there outside of the convention is go to a live taping of, “A Prairie Home Companion,” and the most expensive tickets cost under $50, and you’re not going to go anyway because Garrison Keillor is a liberal.

Republicans, please… I’m begging you for your own sake… Look, we’ve gotten a good laugh over the years of your trying to portray yourselves as the morals party, but let’s face it: you’re as depraved and/or sex-starved as you falsely make liberals out to be. The red states’ sex-before-marriage rates, pre-marital shacking up rates, births out of wedlock rates, divorce rates, etc. are all higher than blue states. Dirty movie viewership at hotels skyrockets when there’s a religious convention going on. Plus, you’re apparently lousy parents by your own definition (since you refuse to believe it’s genetic) because so many of you have kids that turn out gay.

Apparently, God/the universe/Karma/luck is punishing you for being sexually hypocritical douchebags. It’s okay. We all fall into some sort of douchebaggery every now and then, but eventually that fall stops, and we throw off our douchebag shackles. I don’t see that happening any time soon with republicans.

My advice: Take a few years off. Let the adults (democrats) straighten out the mess you’ve made of the United States and the world, and you do whatever is necessary for your party to become as moral as the democrats. If that means studying what it is the blue states are doing right, do it. If you think it means cutting back on your dreams to return America to some mythical Ozzie-and-Harriet-Leave-It-to-Beaver 1950s era, do so except for yourself. Watching your convention, you’re halfway there as it’s apparent that both you and 1950s television had the same amount of minorities hanging around.

You can do this – you’ve just got to believe in yourself and maybe subject yourself to negative feedback treatments (shock therapy, etc).

Dare to dream!

The Best Batman

I just rented, "Batman: Gotham Knight," a collection of 6 different cartoons of different animation style featuring Batman. The stories are only somewhat (if at all) interconnected, but they feature (and I did not know this until I watched it) Kevin Conroy as the voice of Batman/Bruce Wayne.

The current spate of DC cartoons (and I think interest in doing new Batman movies to return him to his grittier roots) got its start in the early 1990s with Batman: The Animated Series, starring Conroy, who I think does the best Wayne/Batman voices out there. The New Batman Adventures came after the Animated Series, but for all intents and purposes, it was the same show with the same voice actors. The TV shows and movies related to this post are:

Batman: The Animated Series

Batman and Mister Freeze: Subzero (movie)

The Batman/Superman Movie

Superman (The Animated Series)

Batman Beyond (TV series, featuring an elderly Bruce Wayne passing on the mantle)

Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker (movie)

The Zeta Project

Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman (movie)

Static Shock (There have been various crossovers of Justice League heroes and Static between the various cartoon series)

Justice League/Justice League Unlimited

The Batman (a new series from a different studio with a new voice for Batman. Conroy guest-starred as the father of Dick Grayson, who became Robin)

Teen Titans (a series from a different studio than the rest that focused on Robin. Its relative because while it was on, The Batman could not introduce Robin as a character and so introduced Batgirl as his first sidekick)

The Legion of Superheroes - another new series from a different studio focusing on Superboy/Superman's adventures with the Legion in the far-flung future.

Justice League: The New Frontier - a DVD movie dealing with the Golden Age moving into the Silver Age of DC heroes.

Batman: Gotham Knight starred the following voice actors who had various roles in the six cartoons on the DVD. After Conroy, they're listed with what show(s) they had showed up on in the past. I'm very big on voice actors and can normally pick them out pretty well even when they star in live action productions, and it's interesting when I look them up to see what other projects they've worked on. For Gotham Knights, it seems they really tried to keep it, "in the family," so to speak, if the family is: an animated DC superhero show/movie.

Kevin Conroy - Batman/Bruce Wayne

Jason Marsden - portrayed the villain Firefly on The Batman, the villain Billy Numerous on Teen Titans, reporter Snapper Carr on the Justice League, Static's partner Gear on Static Shock, a one time character on Batman Beyond, the voice of the teenage Clark Kent on Superman, and a one time character on Batman: TAS.

Scott Menville - the voice of Robin on Teen Titans, the villain King on Justice League, and some one time characters on Superman.

George Newbern - the voice of Superman/Clark Kent in Justice League and guest starred on Static Shock and The Batman as Superman.

Crystal Scales - recurring role of Static and Gear's classmate, Daisy Watkins, on Static Shock.

Hyden Walch - Villain Harley Quinn on the Batman, Starfire on Teen Titans, Villain Ace on Justice League, one episode character on Static Shock

Corey Burton - Brainiac on Batman: TAS, Superman, Justice League, Legion of Superheroes, and Static Shock. Various voices on Batman Beyond and Batman: TAS. Abin Sur (the Green Lantern who gives his ring to Hal Jordan) on Justice League: The New Frontier

Jim Meskimen - one episode character on The Batman, Justice League, Superman.

Pat Musick - one episode characters on Batman Beyond, Superman, Batman : Mask of the Phantasm, Batman: TAS.

Rob Paulsen - One episode characters on The Batman, Teen Titans, Justice League, Batman: TAS. Among some of the other noteworth characters he's provided the voice for are: Pinky (Pinky and the Brain), Yakko Warner, and Arthur of The Tick.

Will Friedle - the new Batman from Batman Beyond. The character also appeared in Justice League, Zeta Project, and Static Shock. Villain Gearhead on The Batman. One episode voice on Teen Titans.

Kevin Michael Richardson - the Joker on The Batman. Various villains on Teen Titans. Recurring role of General Wells on Justice League. Mobster Carlton Duquesne on Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman. Various voices on Static Shock. Batman Beyond, Batman: TAS, Superman. Is also well-known as Captain Gantu (giant bipedal shark alien) from the Stitch movies/TV show.

Brian George - Villain Parasite (and various voices) on Justice League. Various voices on Batman Beyond, Batman: TAS, and Superman.

David McCallum - Will be the voice of Zeus in the upcoming Wonder Woman cartoon movie.

Andrea Romano - Andrea has been the voice director (and often times a voice actor) for a lot of cartoons, most notably most if not all the shows/movies listed above as well as all the way back to the 1970s Superfriends cartoons.

I Pissed Off an Evangelist (Routinely)

This is another post of activities long over, but I have to keep referring to them on other message boards so I might as well just blog it and post the link on them to keep from repeating the stories.

In the mid-1990s, I was kicking around grad school at Oklahoma State University in Stillwater, Oklahoma, before I decided I was tired of college and wanted a job, which moved me to Tulsa, where I still am today.

Being a poor grad student who didn't care for bars, some of the best free entertainment was on Friday afternoons when evangelists would come yell at us on the library lawn. There were actually two that I remember, but one of them only showed up once so I might as well combine them. After all, they're pretty much the same.

This is a list of the various things I did and said to the OSU evangelists.

So Mister Evangelist first showed up the first Friday after the first week of school. OSU had various activities on the library lawn to welcome students to the new year, and one of them was a palm reader - had an actual tent and everything just like in old Bugs Bunny cartoons when while being chased by Elmer Fudd, he would pull a tent out of nowhere and dress like a fortune teller to throw Elmer off the track.

This palm reader was actually on David Letterman when he did a bit where he went to various palm readers and ended up dancing with them. Mister E. showed up to accuse us all of, "spiritual whore-mongering."

Never mind that there's no such thing as palm reading, ESP, telekinetic powers, real magic, etc.

Along with the spiritual kind, the men at OSU were also regular whore-mongers because we liked looking at OSU women, who were of course, whores, because they wore short skirts, shorts, and pants (gasp!) instead of modest dresses and wore make-up.

When Mister E. told us that by looking at a woman with lust in our hearts, we turned her into a whore, I turned to an attractive blonde next to me, took her hand, and said loudly enough for everyone to hear, "I would like to apologize from the deepest recesses of my heart..." at which point I trailed off and openly stared at her breasts. Everyone laughed except Mister E. He called me a whore-monger.

Once after asking the guys to raise their hands if they had sex outside of marriage, he ran down the line, pointing at each one while yelling, "There's a whore-monger, there's a whore-monger, there's a whore-monger!" After the third "whore-monger," I yelled, "Everywhere a whore-monger! E-I-E-I-O!"

Once while railing against homosexuals, I asked Mister E. why was there homosexuality (and even the ability to change sexes - certain fishes, etc.) in some animals if they had no souls (a common belief held by religious conservatives - I don't know one way or another). Mister E. had apparently never heard this question as he was actually silent for a moment while looking at me. After the gears had sufficiently turned, he offered this explanation: "God gave man dominion over the Earth, but Man's sin covers the Earth and affects everything on it." Satisfied, he attempted to return to his sermon, but I interrupted. "So, wait a sec. There are these two gay monkeys in the Amazon Rainforest going at it right now - I mean, REALLY going at it, and it's our fault?" He refused to answer so for the rest of his sermon, every couple of minutes I would yell, "TELL US ABOUT THE GAY MONKEYS, DAMN IT!"

For months afterwards, someone who had been in the crowd would greet me with, "Hey, gay monkey man!" Two years after I had moved to Tulsa, James Randi came to town to give a talk. I was the fourth person in the room as he was setting up, and there was a young couple already in there. We looked at each other with a hint of almost recognition, and after a few moments, the lady asked me, "Are you... Gay Monkey Man?" Randi stopped his preparation to look at us, and I said, "Long story. Involved a religious nutcase." Randi smiled, which in turn made me smile.

One of the meanest things I ever did was while I was walking with a friend, and he was out on the library lawn yelling at people on the sidewalk in front of the library. I was on a sidewalk 40 feet behind him. I stopped and yelled, "EVANGELIST!" as loudly as I could. He turned to look at me; I dropped my backpack, and ran across the library lawn straight at him full-speed. As soon as I reached him, I pulled up short (he still jumped out of the way), said, "Hey, how's it going?" and joined the crowd. My friend brought me my backpack.

Probably the funniest thing I ever did was incur Mister E's wrath not on me but on a friend. One of my undergrad degrees was in Spanish, and while that wasn't my course of study at OSU, I did try to keep up with it and had joined all the Hispanic/Latin groups including the Latin Dancing and Cultural Club, where I learned how to merengue, cumbia, and salsa well enough that I sometimes taught lessons when the normal instructor who never bothered going much beyond basics was gone. One of my good friends (and missed romances because I was dense) was a Latina named Lorena whose life was dancing. Before coming to Stillwater, she had been married and living in Argentina, running a discoteca with her then-husband. She taught me a lot of dance steps, but there was this one salsa move I always had problems with.

On this particular day, Mister E. was railing against the evils of music - not just rock and roll music but ALL music - country (understandable), jazz, rock, etc. - if it wasn't Christian and a particular type of Christian music (I'm sure Christian rock was right out). Lo and behold, I see Lorena walking through the crowd to go to class so I call her over and talking very quickly so she couldn't hear Mister E's topic of discussion, asked her to show me that salsa move again. So we started dancing salsa on the front edge of the crowd in front of Mister E, and he literally blows a gasket and starts yelling - not at me, the guy twice his size (of course), but at Lorena, about what a whore she was, and how dancing was evil, and how she was going to burn in hell. I was momentarily taken aback and about to jump in and defend Lorena when she laughed because she realized the joke, and she started yelling back at Mister E in both English and Spanish, not letting him get a word in edgewise. Fortunately, she found it funny and not an attack on her honor.

A while after I had left OSU, I was surfing the online archives of their college paper looking for a picture of me that was taken in a Latin Dancing and Cultural Club class. I was in the habit of giving my name as one of the founding fathers to the paper photographers whenever they took my picture for something as I thought it was funny, and it guaranteed to get me in. For the picture I was looking for, I was, "Thomas Jefferson." I decided to look for any stories about the evangelists and found one about a grad student who had taken to wearing robes and going out on the lawn when the evangelist was there to compete against him - promising to, "save students' souls and validate their parking."